My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize