to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
