Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
