note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
