Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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