Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
