they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
