wanna go halves on a baby?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Randomize
