next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
