People in love make me want to vomit
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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