Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
