ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
