so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
