i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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