Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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