Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
