He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
