Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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