He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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