if only i could text you this smell
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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