I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
