I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
