ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
