Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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