So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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