Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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