I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
