And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize