Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
