I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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