yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
