i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
