it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Randomize
