We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
