And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
