i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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