Need sex. Gaining weight.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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