is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
