if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
