He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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