So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize