And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I lost the right to judge tonight
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
