And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
