She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize