hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
