Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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