I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
