then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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