I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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