It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
