I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I love you. Go after that dick
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
