i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She swung at the pinata with crutches
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
