Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
