Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
