dude i'm inner monologue high
I've blown a few things in my day
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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