I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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