Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
