we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I checked into jail on foursquare
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
