So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
