**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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